Updated start date

I talked with the Nurse Practitioner yesterday about my dilemma... If I come on for an u/s on cd35 like they asked, and the cyst is clear, and they want me to start provera to induce AF, I'll end up getting AF after the Dec 11th deadline. So we talked about it and decided I'll wait until Dec 14th to have an u/s to see if my cyst is gone. Then if it's gone, I'll get to start my provera, and would most likely start stimming just after Christmas. I gotta say--I love this Nurse Practitioner. She is so easy to talk to and genuinely cares about us.

Todd and I talked quite a bit about our experience on "anxious wednesday," as I like to call it. We decided that we are going to talk to our RE about the situation and see what we can do to not be put in that situation again. If we have to have our morning appts later in the morning so that our RE is there, and we don't have to speak to this ivf coordinator, then that's what we'll do. If we absolutely have to have her as our caregiver, we're going to politely ask her not to speculate on what's going on--that we'd rather not know until our RE calls us later in the day, after labs are back. The speculation is driving me crazy--she's been wrong 3 times now, and at this point, not knowing would be better than hearing speculation that may or may not be correct. Anyhow...I think you get my point.

Thanks for your positive "cyst be gone" vibes! We're back to the waiting game until Dec 14th. Time to breathe...do some yoga...enjoy the colorful lights in the neighborhood.

Love,

Julie

Putting the brakes on

So I had my appt yesterday to get the green light to start my provera...But I got the red light instead! :(

During the u/s, the tech measured a follicle that was 24mm big. (And remember, the biggest follie I had during my stimulation was 9mm). She says, "well it looks like you have a cyst here." She leaves the room, Todd and I look at each other, and I say, crud! I've never had a cyst before, although I know lots of other women on the Resolve board that have, so I knew that ususally you have to wait until the cyst is gone before you start stimming (meaning, taking meds that stimulate follicle growth). So we're in this room, feeling really bummed, when the nurse (who's not actually a nurse, but more of a 'coordinator') comes into the room. She says, "well it looks like you have a mature follicle." What?! Mature follicle?? I ask her how she knows it's a mature follicle and not a cyst...and basically it's hard to tell without having blood work done. So I had my estradiol level checked and left with them planning to call me with a plan after the blood work came back--either an IUI (hurray!!!!) or waiting longer to take provera (bummer!).

I had to go to work then, and spent the entire day feeling anxious waiting for this phone call. I finally called at 12pm to remind them to call me, and then again at 1pm I called again. I was feeling so anxious. I tried to keep myself calm; after all, I had not expected to have a mature follicle and was ready to start this next cycle, but the 'nurse' had given me some hope that maybe it was a mature follicle.

2pm she finally calls and says my estradiol level is too low for it to be a mature follicle. So now I have to go back in a week for another u/s to see if this cyst is gone before taking my provera. Now it looks like I won't be cycling until the end of december/beginning of january. I am so bummed. I couldn't help but cry at work after this phone call. I had been given some hope and then it was taken away so quickly. I am just so tired of having my emotions jerked around. This journey has enough ups and downs, I don't need to have more emotional turmoil unnecessarily.

So, we're back to waiting...now waiting for this cyst to go away so that I can take my provera to induce AF, to be able to start the next cycle.

I'm feeling pretty bummed...and emotionally drained.

Thanks for checking in on us. Happy Thanksgiving.

Julie

Cycle getting moved up!

Hi all,

Today I had an appt with the Nurse Practitioner (arnp) to learn how to use the new 'pen' device (to give injections). When I was at the clinic, I saw their holiday hours and it said that if your period comes between Dec 11-24th that you can't do a medicated cycle because they're closed Christmas and Christmas Eve. Of course, that's when I thought AF would show up!

So after talking to the ARNP, we decided that I'd come in for an u/s on cd26 (this Wednesday!) and if everything looks good I'll start provera cd28 (Friday!). This is about a week before we were planning to start the next cycle, and I'll have more chance that AF will come before the 11th. So hopefully I'll get AF sometime between Dec 3 and Dec 10th. If it's after the 10th, we'll have to wait a month before doing the injections.

It's just crazy how scheduling can interfere so much with trying to get pg. I hope that AF behaves herself this time and comes on time.

Thanks for your support. We've been amazed at the support you all have given us. It means a lot that you are thinking of us and sending positive vibes our way. Some days are harder than others, and today I'm glad to have the extra support.

Love,
Julie

Moving Forward

I talked with the Nurse Practitioner this week and ordered all my medications for our next cycle yesterday. We will be using a different medication, called Follistim (instead of the menopur that we used last cycle). It only contains the hormone FSH, where as Menopur contained FSH & LH. We're going to see if that change may help my ovaries to respond a bit better. It's also a bit easier to use, since the medication comes in a cartridge form...no more mixing medications (sorry Todd! I know how much you liked that!). The cartridges fit inside a pen-like device, and you just turn the dial to set the dose. So it also makes it easier (and is more precise)to increase the dose in smaller increments. I go in to the office on Monday to pick up the pen and to have a quick demonstration on it's use.

We're back in the waiting game now...Just waiting for my period, and if it doesn't come by cd35 (which is November 30th), I'll take provera to induce a period. Once my period starts, I go back in for b/w and u/s on cd3 to make sure everything looks good, and then we start our medications. Hopefully we'll be starting meds by the middle of December.

A while back, I was reading on another blog, and this woman talked about how she starts new cycles. After having so many failed cycles, it's easy to not be very optimistic about starting a new cycle. But when she'd start a new cycle, she'd make herself forget the past failed cycles, and just focus on the one starting. She'd try to have a blank slate type attitude with cycles. So that's what I'm going to do now. I've had my pity party for the last cycle, and am ready to put my chin up and feel positive about this next one. I'm going to try to be patient while I wait for cd35 to roll around, and enjoy this treatment-free time.

Thanks for your encouraging words. I appreciate your support.

Love,
Julie

Cycle canceled

Bummer.

My follicles have a slight increase in size, but my estradiol didn't increase as much as it needed to.

Current stats:
Biggest follicle: 9.2
Lining: 4.9
Estradiol: 57

So now we have to cancel the cycle, which means that I don't take any more medications and don't do an IUI (which means chances for pregnancy are slim, at best). So I have to wait for AF to come, which typically doesn't spontaneously happen for me. I'll wait until cd28 or cd35 (to be determined) and then will take provera to induce a period, and once AF shows up, I will start a new cycle. I probably will be starting my next cycle in the beginning/middle of december.

Next cycle I'll be doing the higher dose of menopur (100 units) and possibly take letrazole along with the menopur. If you remember, I took letrazole (it's an oral medication to help stimulate follicles) on the cycle before this. I didn't have much of a response to it, but my RE said that it's a new protocol that they're trying to see if there could be better follicular response, and she thinks it might work well for me.

She was also still very optimistic that we will get pregnant. She said that she and her colleagues look at my ultrasounds and say, 'she's going to explode with follicles any time now!" It's just this fine line that we have to walk between under vs over-stimulating. I totally get that, but it's so hard to be patient. She talked about how all the little follicles in my ovaries are screwing up the normal hormonal feedback route, and that it's taking a lot (of meds) to overcome it. But that we will get there.

I know I need to be patient. I need to allow what will be, to be. It's just that this isn't fair. It shouldn't be this difficult. It isn't this difficult for most people. There are so many questions, and not any good answers. It's now been over a year since we started trying to get pg. I remember to a year ago at how happy and naive I was. It was such a wonderful exciting time. And now women who were trying to get pregnant at the same time, have had their babies; and others are almost due. I am so happy for them, but it reminds me that we still haven't had that success. And it makes me sad that I'm so sad. I can remember to being happy and to coming to work being happy and being home and being happy. And while I still have happy times, the sadness and tears are just lurking under the surface. It doesn't take much for me to surrender to the tears. So I'm sorry. I'm sorry that the happy me is here less often. I'm sorry that I'm not as much fun to be around. I'm sorry that I've lost that innocence. I know I don't need to apologize. You all understand, but what you have to know is that I wish it wasn't this way. I wish for those happier carefree moments. And I do my best to not let my sorrow get the best of me. But I do need to allow myself moments, days, whatever it takes to feel my sorrow and acknowledge it, for me to move on. To remember that there is a tomorrow. There is a lot of goodness in my life: my wonderful,caring, supportive husband; my family; my friends; my neighbors who have become my best friends; my supportive colleagues; my friends in cyber-space. And I know that when I wake up tomorrow, all of you will be here to support me. I love you for that.

Thanks.

Much love,
Julie

Not quite what we were hoping for...cd12 update

We were back in the RE's office first thing this morning for another u/s and b/w. I was hoping that my follies were continuing with their slow, but steady progress, but there really wasn't any growth since Monday. :(

Current stats:
Biggest follicle: 8.5
Lining: 5.7
Estradiol: unchanged

My RE just called with my b/w results and unfortunately it hasn't changed. So we're going to increase my dose from 75 to 100 units for the next 2 days and then I'll go back in on Friday for more b/w and u/s. If there's no change by Friday, then we'll have to cancel this cycle. Then next cycle, we'd start at 100 units.

I'm definitely disappointed. I know they want to be very careful not to overstimulate my ovaries. My RE said that because I have so many follicles that are tiny, if we use too much medication, there's a strong chance that they all will grow big and we'll have to cancel the cycle for overstimulation. So there's this fine line that we have to walk between preventing overstimulation and understimulation. She said that "we'll get you there," but it's just going to take some serious patience.

I do have to give some kudos to the MA "R" and to my Dr. W. They've offered to give me some extra vials of medication that were donated by women who didn't need them any more. It's so helpful to have caring people donate these meds and then for the office to pass them on. I don't have any insurance coverage for IF and these every other day appointments are adding up very quickly. So it's a huge relief to know that I won't have to pay for all my expensive meds on my own.

Also, a special thanks to you-know-who-you-are for helping us manage some of these costs. Todd and I feel so lucky to have such caring family & friends.

Thanks for checking in. We really need some positive growing vibes in the next couple of days. I hope that increasing the dose of meds will help these tiny follicles come out of hibernation and grow!

Love,
Julie

CD 10 update

Not much to report, so just a quick update today. B/w & u/s done again. Follies still growing, but still slowly. They called back with my estradiol level which actually went down a bit. She said it's ok since it's still early in my cycle and that we'll keep going with the same dose of medication, slow & steady. They don't want to stimulate all of the follicles that I have! We'll take twins but quintuplets would be a bit much! :)

Current Stats for this cycle:
Biggest Follicle: 8.7
Lining: 5.4
Estradiol: 45

Plan to go back in on Wednesday for more b/w and u/s (and probably on Friday too). More waiting...Positive thoughts please!

Love,
Julie