Cycle canceled

Bummer.

My follicles have a slight increase in size, but my estradiol didn't increase as much as it needed to.

Current stats:
Biggest follicle: 9.2
Lining: 4.9
Estradiol: 57

So now we have to cancel the cycle, which means that I don't take any more medications and don't do an IUI (which means chances for pregnancy are slim, at best). So I have to wait for AF to come, which typically doesn't spontaneously happen for me. I'll wait until cd28 or cd35 (to be determined) and then will take provera to induce a period, and once AF shows up, I will start a new cycle. I probably will be starting my next cycle in the beginning/middle of december.

Next cycle I'll be doing the higher dose of menopur (100 units) and possibly take letrazole along with the menopur. If you remember, I took letrazole (it's an oral medication to help stimulate follicles) on the cycle before this. I didn't have much of a response to it, but my RE said that it's a new protocol that they're trying to see if there could be better follicular response, and she thinks it might work well for me.

She was also still very optimistic that we will get pregnant. She said that she and her colleagues look at my ultrasounds and say, 'she's going to explode with follicles any time now!" It's just this fine line that we have to walk between under vs over-stimulating. I totally get that, but it's so hard to be patient. She talked about how all the little follicles in my ovaries are screwing up the normal hormonal feedback route, and that it's taking a lot (of meds) to overcome it. But that we will get there.

I know I need to be patient. I need to allow what will be, to be. It's just that this isn't fair. It shouldn't be this difficult. It isn't this difficult for most people. There are so many questions, and not any good answers. It's now been over a year since we started trying to get pg. I remember to a year ago at how happy and naive I was. It was such a wonderful exciting time. And now women who were trying to get pregnant at the same time, have had their babies; and others are almost due. I am so happy for them, but it reminds me that we still haven't had that success. And it makes me sad that I'm so sad. I can remember to being happy and to coming to work being happy and being home and being happy. And while I still have happy times, the sadness and tears are just lurking under the surface. It doesn't take much for me to surrender to the tears. So I'm sorry. I'm sorry that the happy me is here less often. I'm sorry that I'm not as much fun to be around. I'm sorry that I've lost that innocence. I know I don't need to apologize. You all understand, but what you have to know is that I wish it wasn't this way. I wish for those happier carefree moments. And I do my best to not let my sorrow get the best of me. But I do need to allow myself moments, days, whatever it takes to feel my sorrow and acknowledge it, for me to move on. To remember that there is a tomorrow. There is a lot of goodness in my life: my wonderful,caring, supportive husband; my family; my friends; my neighbors who have become my best friends; my supportive colleagues; my friends in cyber-space. And I know that when I wake up tomorrow, all of you will be here to support me. I love you for that.

Thanks.

Much love,
Julie