Halfway through the 2ww

Well we've made it through the first half of the 2ww, or as my friends on Resolve like to call it, the 2wt (two week torture!). One more week to go! I'm trying to convince myself that poas early would be a very bad idea --I think it would just mess with my head and heart. I'm going to try to hold out until next Monday or Tuesday--we'll see, I may break down earlier.

I'm trying to figure out how to deal with the results...If it's negative, I'd want to post here because we'll be starting our next round of injectables after I get AF. If it's positive, I'm not sure what I should do. Most people wait that obligatory 3 month wait before telling "the world", but it's hard to do that when "the world" knows exactly where I am in my cycle!

If it's positive, then I would like to share that with all of you lovely family and friends who have supported us so well during this year. If something goes wrong during the pregnancy and I miscarry or it turns out not to be a true pregnancy, then it's ok for you to know that--you'll be able to support me and Todd just like you've been doing.

Here's what I'm afraid of: I wouldn't want this news of a positive pregnancy to be shared with people who don't read this blog. That means, please don't share it with any of your friends, other family, coworkers, etc. It's one thing for a few of my friends at work to know, it's another for my entire unit to know. Does that make sense?

Please let me know what you think. Leave a comment and tell me if you think we can keep it "quiet" if it's positive. I know that I'm posting to the world and that anyone can see this, but I would like to have some room for discreetness. If it's going to be too hard to keep it quiet among people that don't read this blog, then I will refrain from posting for a month or so (whether or not it's positive or negative) to allow myself some privacy.

Thanks. I appreciate your feedback!

Love,
Julie

Triggered!!!

Our u/s today looked great! I had one follie at 20.1 and one at 15.7!! No sixtuplets for us! :) The 15.7 one could still grow a bit before I ovulate and may or may not contain a mature egg--so we're looking at 1-2 eggs at ovulation! They gave me a HCG shot, to "trigger" ovulation and gave specific instructions on when to time our sexy time. :) (No IUI this cycle since the clinic is closed over Christmas).

I'm so happy right now! I know there's still a lot that could be in the way of us getting pg and carrying to term, but at least we're out of the starting gate! I started crying during my u/s today when I saw that 20mm follicle. We've been in treatment for 8 months now, and this is the first time we've seen a mature follicle on ultrasound. It's just such a relief to know that my body CAN grow follies, albeit with help. And I can only hope that anovulation will be our only problem--that getting pg and staying pg will go fairly easily.

So current stats:
Biggest Follicle: 20.1!
Lining: 6.0
Estradiol: 392

So now we get to do it the old fashioned way tomorrow, and then our 2ww begins! Thanks for your encouraging words and positive energy. We'll really need calming vibes over the next 2 weeks to keep our sanity. Good thing the holidays are here to distract us.

Love,
Julie

CD 12

I can hardly believe it...my follies are still growing! I've got two lead follies at this point: 14.5 and 14.2...and 4 others that are: 11.8, 11.2, 10.9 and 10.4. By Sunday, the 2 that are at 14 should be closer to 18--which means there's >95% chance that they contain a mature egg for ovulation. My RE is a bit nervous (I think her exact words were, "this is kind of scary.") that all 6 are going to contain a mature egg--she said even if they're not at 18mm, there's still a possibility they contain a mature egg--which means the possibilities for multiples is higher. And since this will the be first real time my eggs have been exposed to sperm, we don't know how they'll react with sperm (i.e. very fertile or not so fertile). So we're going to drop my dose of meds again to 50 units for the next 2 days, and then I'll return on Sunday for another u/s and more b/w. If everything continues to go the way it is now, we'll do our HCG trigger (to induce ovulation) on Sunday. Since our clinic is closed over Christmas Eve and Christmas, we won't be able to do an IUI, but will have timed sexy time instead(tmi I know).

It was a good appt today also because my RE was able to sit down and have more of a conversation about the big picture. I asked if this line we were walking between over-stimulating, and under-stimulating was too fine, and if she thought we'd be better off with IVF. She said, no. She was glad that we've found the right meds and that even if I don't get pg this cycle, that she feels confident that we can keep going down this path. So that's a huge sigh of relief. I know IVF could still be in our future if we have multiple failed injectable/IUI cycles, but at least my body is doing something right now!

Current stats:
Biggest follie: 14.5
Lining: 5.2
Estradiol: 309

I'm feeling so emotional right now. It is such a relief that my ovaries are FINALLY responding appropriately! I feel like there have been many positive signs this cycle, and that things have been falling into place so nicely--which is a huge change from the past year. I'm starting to allow myself to feel excited, just a bit, for this cycle.

Thanks for your positive thoughts. I appreciate all the positive energy directed at us!

Love,
Julie

CD 10 Update

Well, it seems that the follistim is working! I am so happy to say that my follicles have grown (!) since the last u/s. The biggest follicle is 11.5mm, which is the biggest one I've ever had. (Remember they need to be over 18mm for me to ovulate.) It looks like things are on the right track. My doctor is a little concerned that I have too many that are growing (5 right now are about 10-11mm) and so we are going to decrease our meds a bit for 2 days (we'll take twins, but not quintuplets!). Then we'll return for another u/s and see where we are at.

Current stats:
Biggest follicle: 11.5 (!!!)
Lining: 4.3
Estradiol: 242

I feel real good that my ovaries are finally responding. I'm still nervously optimistic that we'll be able to have success with this cycle, but there's a couple different scenarios that could happen.

A. Two to three follies have growth spurt in next couple days and we get to do our IUI this weekend (my preferred choice--if I actually had a say in the matter!)
B. Two to three follies keep growing at same rate and we are ready to trigger on Sunday...that would mean we couldn't do an IUI (because of clinic closure), so we'd do it the old fashioned way. :) (this would be an ok option too)
C. Follies stop growing. Cancel cycle. (this would be a huge bummer)
D. Too many follies get real big. Cancel cycle (or could possibly convert to IVF, but I don't think we'll be up for that....yet) (this would be a huge bummer too)
E. Follies are almost ready over Christmas, I could take a med to prevent early ovulation, we'd trigger after Christmas, and then get to do an IUI. (this would be ok)

I suppose I could go on with all the different scenarios, but those are the ones that are flying around in my head right now. The important things for me to remember are that 1) I don't have any control over this and 2) I don't have any control over this. So somehow I need to keep myself calm and just know that whatever it will be, it will be. It helps to write it down here so that it is out of my head, and I can let the world wide web worry about it instead.

So please continue to send positive, calming thoughts our way. Thanks for your love and support.

Much love,
Julie

CD 8 update

Quick update today:

Current Stats:
Biggest Follicle: 8.0mm
Lining: 4.7
Estradiol: 110

Things look really pretty good right now. I am feeling good about my estradiol level--it never got this high last cycle...I think the highest it got was 50-something. So I am very hopeful that it is a good sign that my follies will start to grow more quickly. We'll go back for another u/s and b/w Wednesday at 8:00 am.

I have to admit, I'm currently feeling a bit anxious. Because of the Christmas & Christmas Eve clinic closure, I have to be ready to trigger Sat and do an IUI Sunday. That means my follies have to grow 10mm by Saturday. Typical follicle growth is 2mm/day which would mean I'm right on track...The only catch is that my follies have not been typical with their growth in the past. So, here's to hoping for typical behavior! Fortunately Todd has been providing some great comic relief and I"m staying much more calm than last cycle.

Grow follies, grow!!

Love,
Julie

CD 5 Update

We had our cd 5 u/s & b/w today. Everything went well, and I also had a chance to talk to the Nurse Practitioner about that IVF coordinator that we were having a problem with. The ARNP said that if we have our appts after 8am, she'll be there and we won't have to deal w/ the coordinator. So that's what we'll do! Super duper.

Anyhow, here's where we're at:

Current Stats for this cycle:
Biggest Follicle: 4.9
Lining: 2.5
Estradiol: 42

Everything is still pretty tiny, but that's ok. They were a little nervous that my ovaries would "explode" with follicles with this new drug & dose, so they wanted to check earlier than normal. So we'll continue with our follistim and return Monday morning for another u/s & b/w.

On a side note, I brought my own coban today for after my lab work! (Coban is this great "tape"...it sticks to itself, but not to skin!) My poor arms got really sore last cycle w/ all the blood draws and then tape from holding gauze in place. So this time I decided to bring coban to eliminate the need for tape! The phlebotamist (sp?) just laughed...I'm sure he thinks I'm crazy! Haha!

The shots are still going well. The pen is so much easier than mixing meds, like we had to do last time. Tonight I'll be bringing it with me to Todd's work Christmas party and we'll have to go shoot up in the bathroom. Good thing we don't keep our IF stuff secret...people would think we were up to no good, sneaking off to the bathroom together! :)

Keep the positive vibes coming! I'm staying calm and am definitely more relaxed this cycle. It certainly helps that I have the next 6 days off work--no worries about scheduling our appts with work!

Have a great weekend everyone! I'll post again on Monday.

Love, Julie

CD 3 update

Thanks everyone for your positive vibes! Our ultrasound today was perfect! No cysts, thin lining, and my bloodwork came back fabulous!

We get to start our follistim tonight (100 units). It's been a while since I had that education with the Nurse Practitioner, so I think I'm going to have to whip out the dvd to refresh my memory. It's pretty simple, but I don't want to mess up!

We will be going back for an u/s on cd5 which is Friday. She wants to watch me super closely to make sure I don't overstimulate too quickly. We had planned on going out of town this weekend to visit with our families, but I think we're just going to have to wing it timing wise.

I feel so hopeful this cycle. I feel like everything has fallen in place, and I hope that the change of medications (menopur--fsh + lh changing to follistim--only fsh) will really help my follicles to respond better.

Please continue to send positive vibes our way!

Love,
Julie

Holy Smokes! The girls can work!

Boy, this sure has been a back and forth past few weeks! I was gearing up for my appt on Friday when, low and behold, I got AF yesterday! I had been taking my bbt (basal body temperature) for about the past year, and they clearly show anovulation. Well this month, I had higher temps than normal, and thought that I had seen the all mighty thermal shift...but I didn't get too excited, because I'd thought that in in the past too, and it was nothing. But this time my temp stayed high, and stayed high, and stayed high. I barely said a word about it b/c I was nervous I'd jinx it into falling! So yesterday (day 13 after the thermal shift), my temp dropped and as I predicted, AF showed up! I am so excited and happy about this!

It shows:
1. That I can build up enough estrogen to ovulate.
2. That I can ovulate!
3. That my luteal phase is adequate in length
4. That I can ovulate!
5. Did I mention that I ovulated??!

This is the first time I've ovulated since going off the pill 14 months ago! I'm sure that the fertility meds helped to stimulate my ovaries to wake up, but it's definitely interesting that it took them so long to ovulate (it wasn't until cd 32).

The other fabulous part of this, is that AF came on December 10th--the LAST day possible to still cycle this month! If it had come today (the 11th) I would have had to wait until next month to cycle (because my clinic is closed on the holidays).

It seems like everything is falling into place this cycle, and I'm hopeful that with medication & monitoring, I'll have success in getting a bfp!

I have my cyst check tomorrow at 9:00 AM, so I hope, hope, hope that the cyst is gone, or at least decreased in size. As long as it is, then we'll be starting meds probably tomorrow night!

Thank you so much for your positive energy. I feel so loved and am so hopeful that we're on the right track now.

Much love,
Julie